Strength... I have it.

Since I have decided it's time to forgive my past, I have been working really hard on rewriting the book that is my life.  So far, I think I've been doing fairly well.  I have talked a little more calmer towards AJ, I have a little more patience with Ri, and I smile just a little more.

I really am glad that I have the strength to do this.  I am even more glad that I give others the strength to make the necessary changes in their lives.  Strength is definitely contagious.  We pass it back and forth, giving each other support that only a few can give.

I've been given so much strength and support in the last few weeks.  I don't know how much AJ actually thinks is going to change, but he knows that I am working hard on correcting my faults, accepting my imperfections, and understanding that there is a point in time when you have to let go.

Just want to say Thank You. 

"When I let go of what I am, I become who I might be."  -Lao Tzu

Dear Life . . .

Dear Life . . .

I forgive you.  I am letting go of all the anger that I have been allowing to take over everything I do.  I need to let go of all the hurt and pain that has been caused.  It is time to close the book on my past and start a new one.

I forgive you for giving me an alcoholic father.  I forgive you for allowing me to be molested.  I forgive you for allowing me to be sexually assualted.  I forgive you for allowing me to become an alcoholic.  I forgive you for letting me try to kill myself.  I forgive you for the feelings of worthlessness that I have carried with me since I was young.  I forgive you.

It is time to move on.  The hurt, the anger, the depression, the hate, were never going to get me anywhere.  It was all holding me back. 

Thank you for giving me an alcoholic father.  My father showed me that when you want something bad enough, you can achieve it (11 years of sobriety!!!).  Thank you for allowing me to be molested.  I learned that I am better than him and that I am strong enough to move past it.  Thank you for allowing me to be sexually assualted.  I learned that the wrong choices in life can lead you down a dark and dangerous road.  Thank you for allowing me to have my own battles with alcohol.  I learned that I can make friends without it.  Thank you for allowing me to try to kill myself.  I have an amazing life that I could never have had if I had succeeded.  Thank you for all the feelings of worthlessness.  Today, I can look at myself and know that I am stronger than all of my past.

I knew that my life was becoming better, but I needed someone to open my eyes.  I needed someone to grab ahold of me and shake the hell out of me.  Taking Group at school is the greatest experience of my life.  If I walk away from that class with nothing else, I have a better understanding of myself and my life.  I have a better understanding of people as a whole.  You really can't judge a book by it's cover.  And I am also walking away, with some of the greatest friends. 

I will always wear my scars proudly.  I can never erase them from my life.  They are all events of my past that have helped to mold me into who I am.  But it's time to move past them.  It is time to start creating a new life with my child and my husband.  A less angry life.  A happier life.  A more fulfilled life.  I like smiling when I wake up, and before I go to bed.  I love holding my daughter and even in her crying fits have the strength to just calmly soothe her.  I love being able to talk to my husband and not yell.  I love that I am finally finding myself. 

Scars are forever.  How you allow them to effect you is proof of moving on.

"There are only two ways to live life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle."  --Albert Einstein

Breaking... Breaking... Broke.

It's been a bad two days for me.  My stress level has officially hit the roof, and my break point has long since been hit.  I have to write a 10 page paper, a 14 page paper, participate in a research forum, take a final on Monday, a final on Wednesday, two finals on Thursday.  In order to graduate I have to take a 3 week summer course which is going to be the most intense 3 weeks of my life.  And to top it all off, the University sent me a letter telling me I'd be graduating Magnum Cum Laude (why doesn't that look right, all well, I don't have the time to double check it)... but I have 6 finals to take from now until the end in order to graduate.  Considering I am right on the cusp for this honor, one slip up and I could lose it.  That would DEVASTATE me.


On top of all this I still have to cook, clean, take care of Ri (who seems to only fuss on nights that it is crucial I do work), pay the bills, attempt to lower our bills, save money so AJ can go to physical therapy (he's been needing to go to therapy for months, but we haven't had the money so he's working 70+ hours a week -salary- with a back that would put most people out of commission for months), do laundry, take care of Ri (did I mention that, it needs to be mentioned twice), and organize all our paperwork/insurance stuff.


I know AJ is doing what he can for our family.  But I really think it'd be much easier on me if he were working day shift and not nights.  With him on nights, that leaves me to do everything on my own.  I also resent the fact that he lied to me when he bought his car.  He told me it was in great condition.  He buys it, brings it home, and there's all sorts of work that needs to be done to it.  So now he takes away from family time to work on his car, spends the little bit of money we have to fix the damn thing, and I am still stuck in the exact position I was before he bought the car.  He took a week off... I didn't see him unless I was at my parents house.  It sucks.  He doesn't get it.  He wants this car so bad, and sold his "baby" to get it.  So I can't tell him no when he's (in reality) only putting the money in it that he got for his old car.  But he works on the damn thing so much and leaves me home alone.  To do everything.


I am just so tired of feeling like a single parent.  I ask for help.  Things change for a week, then he goes back to the way things were until I have another meltdown.  Part of me wonders if things will ever get better.  Makes me wonder if I'm sacraficing for nothing.  I know he's trying.  I know he is.  But it's like he doesn't see that I'm breaking.  That I'm losing my mind.  That I just can't do this anymore. 


I know I should be writing my papers right now.  But every time I try I just start crying because I'm so stressed.  I feel so bad venting about AJ.  Especially because I know he's doing what he can.  But I just really wish he could see how much I really do.  I wish he'd say thank you every once in awhile.  Hold or hug me for no reason.  Kiss me on the forehead like he used to.  Take me outside to see the stars.  All the simple things he used to do that I loved so much would make all this seem just a little easier.


Now that I've got all that out.  And Ri is finally fully asleep... and at this point she should sleep for the rest of the night, I am going to go write my papers.  I know things will get better.  I tell AJ everyday to just hold on until I graduate and get a job.  It's just hard when I feel like I'm doing it all alone.  It's nice to get it all out in the open.

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again."  -Alex Tan

Graduation is Rearing it's Ugly Head

It's scary.  I graduate in a few months.  August 10th, 2010 I will officially own a BS in Counseling Psychology.  I'm stoked about the fact that I will finally have acomplished something that I have worked so hard for.  However, I am slightly depressed that I won't see the people that I have become to know so well.  Between the girls, the professors, and many staff members I have created so many relationships that helped to carve my successful path.  I am excited that the four out of six of us that will be graduating between August and December will all get to walk together in the December comencement.  I wasn't bothered by this upon graduating high school.  I could have cared less if I never saw anyone I graduated with ever again.


The friendships I have forged both professionally and socially are ones through which I will carry with my the rest of my life.  The things that they have taught me not only about myself but people and life in general help me to keep going.  I have some of the greatest memories.  Like walking through the hall passed a tour group and not realizing how loud I was speaking as I blurted out "And look, this is what happens when you go to college parties!"  Or standing up against the leadership of a club because they needed to get their act together and something needed to be said.  And who will ever forget the countless professors that worried I was going into labor each time I left the classroom last semester.  There are about 10 people, outside of my immediate family, who changed my life for the better. 


This weekend, I plan on compiling a list of places for my internship.  I am going to attempt to find a hospital that will allow me to do my mental health internship as well as my HR internship.  The way the program is set up I would have to take an internship in the mental health field.  I've decided I didn't want to do mental health as a career, and have been looking towards HR.  I've done HR running the restaurant, in the sales department at the hotel, and taken one or two classes on it.  I enjoyed it.  So, I will attempt to do a non-credit internship.  Now, to find one.


AJ and I are doing awesome.  Words cannot explain how happy I am that things are finally working well for us.  Ri is doing great.  She's on solids (happily loving sweet potatoes) and learning to roll from back to belly!  Hopefully in the next few days I will be able to update what's going on.

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lifes Ups and Downs

It's been a few days since I have updated.  Unfortunately, life has become a little crazy.  The in-laws will be here in a few days, I have multitudes of papers/projects/tests coming up within the next few weeks.  But here is the short of it

The Court Case:

I read the following letter to the court:

When I look back on my wedding day, it is difficult for me to remember tha tit should have been one of hte best days of my life.  I have over a thousand photos sitting in a box because every time I look at them  I am overwhelmed with anger, embarrassment and tears.  The night of my wedding, instead of comsummating our marriage, my husband and I sat with state troopers. 
My husband and I placed blame on our friends and family, we pointed our fingers at those that we love.  These were the same people who didn't have much to give us, but gave what they could.  The same peole who work extremely hard for their money and wanted to see AJ and I have a good start to our marriage.  Can you imagine our embarrassment asking our friends and family what they gave as a wedding gift?  Do you know how humiliating that is?  It wasn't only money that was taken from us.  You took our humility and trust.  You took our ability to be able to buy a crib for our baby girl because we no longer had the additional money we were counting on.  We had a rough estimate of how much we could ptentially receive, and we had a budget set up.  I had placed a small amount of our wedding on credit cards knowing I would be able to pay it off as soon as we put the money in bank.  Instead, I paid 19.99-23% interest on these purchases.  Salt was poured even more on the wound when hte venue continually gave the run around to the situation.  We lived in a constant reminder of what you did.  What you did to a little family that was just starting out.  A family that was about to have a baby but not the additional cusion to make them feel secure.
There are not enough words to express the pain, hatred, anger, and embarrassment that my husband and I hold.  We will never be given back our wedding day.  Our day will never be a completely happy day to us.  There is an ugly cloud of emotions that lingers over one of the most important days of our lives.

I was a wreck reading it.  I shook and choked back tears.  When she'd walked into the court room she had a huge smile on her face, and all I wanted to do was pummel her.  I hope that when she heard my statement that she at least felt a small amount of the pain she had put us through. 

She was convicted to 1-2 years for each of the two robberies she was charged with at this point.  A minimum of 18 months.  It is what it is.  She was also ordered to pay restitution and court fees.  All in all, justice was served.  It will be years before I see any of our money, but we plan on putting it aside to save.  When we finally get it all back we'll have a nice chunk of money to decide what to do with.  I hope this time, this girl stays away from the drugs and turns her life around.

Life's Ups and Downs:
School is insane right now.  It is the end of the semester and all my professors are pushing papers, tests, and projects on us.  We had numerous snow days and now we're playing catch up.  I hate the end of the semester.  It happens every time.  And every time, I feel like I'm about to lose my mind.  After I finish this entry, I have to write a 20 page psychological report and some how figure out how to condense it into only 8 pages.  That's not even an exaggeration!

AJ and I are still fighting.  We are so in love with each other.  I'm fully aware that if Ri had been planned things would be different.  But, we have a beautiful gift and life must go on.  He's working upwards of 70 hours a week so any chance we have to work on our relationship is out the window.  The in-laws will be here on Friday until Sunday, but he's working the entire time so I doubt we'll get a chance to get away and talk through things.
We're both trying.  It's not like things are just sour.  We have so much going on in our lives that we haven't had a moment to just breathe.  We fight over trivial things (cleaning, laundry, who's turn it is to change the diaper).  We know it's all out of frustration and we both are fully aware that we will make it through this.  A new marriage is difficult enough, let alone to add a new baby on top of it.  We just need to find a way to take a break and work on us.


Ri?  She's doing great!  Getting big.  She learns something new everyday and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.  I love seeing her learn so much.  She plays with her toys now.  Grabs at them and shakes them.  She rolls over from belly to back with ease and has been working on her back to belly.  The best thing though, is when she talks.  I love to hear her talk to me.  I love being a Mommy!

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

One Moment You Will Never Get Back

Quick Background: So, after DH and I arrived home from our wedding reception, we began going through our gifts. We were leaving for the beach in the morning and decided to take some cash with us. Opened our card box, 4 cards. We had 90+ guests and many of which were promident in our community. We spent our wedding night on the phone with guests and the state police. Someone had stolen all of our wedding cards. Over $2,500. Later, we come to find who did it because she'd done it to the wedding before and their photographer got a picture of her signing their guest book. We had to forgo arresting her for a federal offense for silly legal reasons.








Tommorrow is her sentencing hearing. I have to give a victim impact statement and hope that she has to pay us restitution. I've been putting it off because I cry every time I think about it. Knowing we were going to get cash, I had put a bit of the wedding (only a small amount) on the credit cards in hopes to pay it off with the wedding money and not encure the 19.99 - 23% interest. Because we didn't have the money to pay this back, we have been struggling ever since. It sucks.






I will never relive my wedding day. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and it was destroyed. We didn't even consumate our marriage until 4 days later because I was just in complete and udder shock over the entire incident. THEN, the reception hall, who was aware of the previous incident, gave me the run around. And made me go through hell, and told me all they could do was LOAN me the money I'd lost (and only a quarter of it at that).






I try to remember that my wedding day was amazing, and it was the day I married my soul mate. But I can't. I remember spending 2 hours with state troopers, the embarrassment of calling all of my guests...






I've become almost numb thinking about the situation. Drugs. She did it over drugs. She ruined MY WEDDING DAY for drug money. I couldn't buy my baby girl her crib because I had to pay a credit card debt that should have been taken care of. DH and I still struggle because everything we had planned to do with the money never happened. The anger and hatred I have towards this woman is surreal. And I have to get up in court and talk about how this theft impacted my life.






Wish me luck.  I'll have more details tom... right now... I just want to push the pain aside.

Still Have No Idea. . .

I'm so tired of going over this in my mind.  What do I want to do with my degree?????  I spend hours online looking for something that pulls me in and screams "THIS THIS THIS" and I can't find anything.  I feel like I am stuck in a spiral and just CAN NOT decide.

In 2002, I thought I wanted to do Business Management.  But I dropped that because I didn't want to go to the same school as my ex.  Five years out of school and I decide to go back for Restaurant Management.  3/4 of the way through, I realized how much I didn't want to work those hours for the rest of my life.  Living that restaurant rockstar lifestyle is only fun when you don't want to settle down and have a family one day.  So, in 2008 I switched to Counseling Psychology. I love helping people, love talking to people, so you would think this is perfect, right?  RIGHT?  I'm only months away from graduating with my BS and I don't want to be a counselor.  So what do I do now?

We can't afford for me to be out of work longer.  I need to find a job.  And I really need to find an internship before May.  I just have no idea what to do.  I've made an appointment with the careers counselor at school in hopes that they may be able to help me a bit.

Why do I do this?  Why can't I just be happy with what I choose.  Why can't I choose something and stick with it?

I really want to start working because I want AJ to be able to open up his own shop.  I think it would be great for him.  He'd finally be doing something that he loved again.  It breaks my heart every day when he tells me how much he hates his job.  It sucks even more when I know my anal retentivness to things only adds more stress to his day. 

When AJ and I first met, we had everything we could have hoped for.  We had such big dreams and aspirations.  But everytime we turn a corner theres something new there to smack us in the face and knock us to the ground.  The fire, being the first.  The theft of our monies from the wedding, the second.  There's more, but I would rather not discuss them.  I feel like we try so hard to do everything right, but we just can't seem to get a break.  It's frustrating and difficult, and our marriage has taken a huge toll because of it all.

We're getting by and we're holding on.  Some days, the thread seems to be reaching it's breaking point.  There's over $8,000 owed to us, and we can't touch it.  We have to wait for the court systems to take their courses.  This only further adds to the frustration and aggravation.

Hopefully, Ri will help cheer me up today.  Since it seems like it is already going to be one of those days.

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."  Dr. Seuss

Amazing to Watch her with her Wubbanub!

My little girl loves her binkie, so much so that if it escapes her mouth in the middle of the night, her cry will wake the dead.  After going back and forth for awhile, I opted to give the Wubbanub a try.  I ordered one for $15.00 off the internet.  It arrived within three days, and looked, well, cheap.  It looked like those knock of Beanie Babies that McDonald's gives away with their Happy Meals.  It's a small stuffed monkey, that is very light and easy for my little one to grab a hold of.  Figured, "let's give this monkey a try" (of course, washing it first).  Instantly, she loved it. 

It's amazing to watch her grab onto the monkey and put her pacifier in her mouth. It's even more amazing as to how quickly she caught on to how to do this.  He's become her best buddy.  If she's not sucking on it (I made the mistake of saying earlier "She's happily sucking on her Monkey", which I will attempt to refrain from ever saying again, lol), she's tightly clutching it in her hands like a security blanket.  She absolutely loves her monkey. 

For us, it was money well spent.  I think if she hadn't liked it, spending $15 on another stuffed animal would have seriously pissed me off.  We got lucky! 

Though, this isn't exactly how it's meant to be used!  But she did hold onto it for most of the night!

I think we finally figured out why she has been so irritable for the past four nights.  She's had a belly ache!  Poor girl.  If she slept at all in the last four days it was for no more than a four hour stint, then she was back awake screaming with avengence.  After speaking with her doctor this afternoon, we decided to try Mylicon drops.  Within a half hour, she seems to be my bouncy baby again.  BUT, we'll see what happens at midnight (since that seems to be the time she likes to wake up and proceed to stay awake until 4am).  Fingers crossed.  I'd love to have my happy Ri back again!

Other News:  I still have yet to figure out what I want to do with my degree.  I need to come up with an internship and I'm afraid to waste this opportunity.  I've been seriously thinking about Human Resources, mostly because, I like clerical stuff and sometimes dealing with people makes me want to scratch out my eyes.  Don't get me wrong, I love working with people and truely love helping people.  Sometimes though, I just want to be the one behind the scenes.  I have a lot of thinking to do, with little time to do it.  I think it's time to call the career services counselor before it's too late.

"We live on front porches and swing life away.  We get by just fine here on minimum wage.  If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end."

-Swing Life Away, Rise Against

And So, It Begins

So I decided to start a blog.  The reasoning doesn't matter as much, as that my mind goes a mile a minute and maybe getting it all out will help slow it down a bit. 


My life is crazy.  By crazy, I mean, I don't even believe some of the things that this roller coaster has taken me through.  Since I met my husband, AJ, we've walked up to the gates of hell and back.  The last three years alone, have been complete insanity.  Here's a quick glimpse into the window of the past:


AJ and I met by chance after I had walked away from an on and off relationship that lasted about five years.  When I met him, I wanted nothing to do with him.  But when he started playing my game back on me, I couldn't resist but be intrigued.  We fell in love almost instantly, and within 6 months we were engaged.  Soon after our engagement, the shop that AJ worked for had burned to the ground.  AJ lost all of his tools, and almost his project car (which he has spent the last two years fixing and getting ready for the road agian).  We were down to one income while AJ attempted to find a stable job.  It was hell.  I was working 50 plus hours a week while being a full time student.  He works so hard and puts his all into everything he does, and yet, he always ended up getting the short end of the stick. 


Just after our one year anniversary together, I noticed that my lovely friend had not come.  I took four pregnancy tests all over the course of two weeks, all of which came up negative.  The fifth one, however, was positive.  I still remember him walking into the bathroom, seeing my reaction and exclaiming with the most excited voice "It's POSITIVE"!  He looked at me later that night and said "Haha, now you're mine forever!"  Um, dumbass, the trapping thing is supposed to work in the opposite way!


We moved our wedding up a year, and married on June 19, 2009.  Word of advice:  Planning a wedding in 3 months, working 50+ hours a week, and going to school full time = BAD IDEA.  I loved my wedding.  The ceremony from start to finish lasted less than 15 minutes, yes, from the time my first bridesmaid walked down the aisle through the ceremony to the last one walking back up took 15 minutes.  I had the wedding I could have only hoped for.  I married the most amazing man I have ever met, and it was official that we would be together forever.  Then... we went home.  We opened our card box.  4 cards.  We had around 100 guests at our wedding.  4 cards?  Someone had walked into our wedding, stolen all of our cards and walked out. The 4 that were in there, were all placed in there at the end of the night, by the bridal party.  The woman was caught, but that ruined my wedding.  I cried on my wedding night.  I had the state police at my house for 2 hours.  We didn't consumate our marriage.  And I cried.  It's hard to remember the good when it's wrapped around something so horrible.  FAST FORWARD::: We have a court date on March 25, 2010 against her and to get restitution.


The next 6 months were pure hell.  I hated every moment of pregnancy.  Well, except for feeling the baby kick.  Seeing her in the ultrasounds and hearing her heartbeat.  But being fat, uncomfortable, sick, and everything else is nothing short of total unpleasureable.  On December 8, 2009 I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl ever.  I am so in love with her, even on the days where I want to put my head through a pane of glass, her smile is enough to back away.  Throughout my entire pregnancy, I said "this child will either be my saving grace, or it will be the piece that breaks me."   I promise you, she is my saving grace.  She is the one that keeps me going. 




Over time, I'm sure I'll go into details about everything.  The last year though, has just been complete insanity.  No one who knows me would have ever guess me to be married, or have a kid.  I've always said I would never be married or have kids.  Wow, look at me now!


If you decide you want to follow my blog, go for it!  I will say, I have a twisted sense of humor.  I joke about a lot of things that some people give me a strange eye for.  Eh, it is what it is.  I have enough battle wounds that a few more won't hurt. 

This is my life.  Scary isn't it?