Breaking... Breaking... Broke.

It's been a bad two days for me.  My stress level has officially hit the roof, and my break point has long since been hit.  I have to write a 10 page paper, a 14 page paper, participate in a research forum, take a final on Monday, a final on Wednesday, two finals on Thursday.  In order to graduate I have to take a 3 week summer course which is going to be the most intense 3 weeks of my life.  And to top it all off, the University sent me a letter telling me I'd be graduating Magnum Cum Laude (why doesn't that look right, all well, I don't have the time to double check it)... but I have 6 finals to take from now until the end in order to graduate.  Considering I am right on the cusp for this honor, one slip up and I could lose it.  That would DEVASTATE me.


On top of all this I still have to cook, clean, take care of Ri (who seems to only fuss on nights that it is crucial I do work), pay the bills, attempt to lower our bills, save money so AJ can go to physical therapy (he's been needing to go to therapy for months, but we haven't had the money so he's working 70+ hours a week -salary- with a back that would put most people out of commission for months), do laundry, take care of Ri (did I mention that, it needs to be mentioned twice), and organize all our paperwork/insurance stuff.


I know AJ is doing what he can for our family.  But I really think it'd be much easier on me if he were working day shift and not nights.  With him on nights, that leaves me to do everything on my own.  I also resent the fact that he lied to me when he bought his car.  He told me it was in great condition.  He buys it, brings it home, and there's all sorts of work that needs to be done to it.  So now he takes away from family time to work on his car, spends the little bit of money we have to fix the damn thing, and I am still stuck in the exact position I was before he bought the car.  He took a week off... I didn't see him unless I was at my parents house.  It sucks.  He doesn't get it.  He wants this car so bad, and sold his "baby" to get it.  So I can't tell him no when he's (in reality) only putting the money in it that he got for his old car.  But he works on the damn thing so much and leaves me home alone.  To do everything.


I am just so tired of feeling like a single parent.  I ask for help.  Things change for a week, then he goes back to the way things were until I have another meltdown.  Part of me wonders if things will ever get better.  Makes me wonder if I'm sacraficing for nothing.  I know he's trying.  I know he is.  But it's like he doesn't see that I'm breaking.  That I'm losing my mind.  That I just can't do this anymore. 


I know I should be writing my papers right now.  But every time I try I just start crying because I'm so stressed.  I feel so bad venting about AJ.  Especially because I know he's doing what he can.  But I just really wish he could see how much I really do.  I wish he'd say thank you every once in awhile.  Hold or hug me for no reason.  Kiss me on the forehead like he used to.  Take me outside to see the stars.  All the simple things he used to do that I loved so much would make all this seem just a little easier.


Now that I've got all that out.  And Ri is finally fully asleep... and at this point she should sleep for the rest of the night, I am going to go write my papers.  I know things will get better.  I tell AJ everyday to just hold on until I graduate and get a job.  It's just hard when I feel like I'm doing it all alone.  It's nice to get it all out in the open.

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again."  -Alex Tan

Graduation is Rearing it's Ugly Head

It's scary.  I graduate in a few months.  August 10th, 2010 I will officially own a BS in Counseling Psychology.  I'm stoked about the fact that I will finally have acomplished something that I have worked so hard for.  However, I am slightly depressed that I won't see the people that I have become to know so well.  Between the girls, the professors, and many staff members I have created so many relationships that helped to carve my successful path.  I am excited that the four out of six of us that will be graduating between August and December will all get to walk together in the December comencement.  I wasn't bothered by this upon graduating high school.  I could have cared less if I never saw anyone I graduated with ever again.


The friendships I have forged both professionally and socially are ones through which I will carry with my the rest of my life.  The things that they have taught me not only about myself but people and life in general help me to keep going.  I have some of the greatest memories.  Like walking through the hall passed a tour group and not realizing how loud I was speaking as I blurted out "And look, this is what happens when you go to college parties!"  Or standing up against the leadership of a club because they needed to get their act together and something needed to be said.  And who will ever forget the countless professors that worried I was going into labor each time I left the classroom last semester.  There are about 10 people, outside of my immediate family, who changed my life for the better. 


This weekend, I plan on compiling a list of places for my internship.  I am going to attempt to find a hospital that will allow me to do my mental health internship as well as my HR internship.  The way the program is set up I would have to take an internship in the mental health field.  I've decided I didn't want to do mental health as a career, and have been looking towards HR.  I've done HR running the restaurant, in the sales department at the hotel, and taken one or two classes on it.  I enjoyed it.  So, I will attempt to do a non-credit internship.  Now, to find one.


AJ and I are doing awesome.  Words cannot explain how happy I am that things are finally working well for us.  Ri is doing great.  She's on solids (happily loving sweet potatoes) and learning to roll from back to belly!  Hopefully in the next few days I will be able to update what's going on.

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson