Pregnant, cranky toddler, and super annoying husband.  Some days it gets hard to figure out why I'm doing all of this.  Why did I want so badly to be a mother and a wife.  I fought so hard for these titles, and now that I have them, some days I look in the mirror and contemplate whether I have the balls enough to jump out of the car and start running in the opposite direction.

And then reality smacks me in the face and says "MOMMA!  Mok!"  Another deep breath, another pep talk to myself.  When I was pregnant with Ri I continually told myself "This kid is going to make me or break me."  Most days, I was pretty sure that she was going to break me, and honestly, I think it's still highly possible.

So I started thinking about when she cries.  I hate when she cries.  It aggravates the living shit out of me.  But she'll wrap her little arms around my neck and nuzzle her head just beneath my chin, while I calmly rub her back.  Could it be that for those few seconds, the half hour of whining and crying was all worth it?

Or the fight I had with AJ this week over spilled soda.  He walked out on me because we both over reacted - NOW I am able to see it this way.  What I realized a few hours later, is that no matter how much we fight, no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much I want to hate him or him me... I could never leave him.  I could never live without him.  He is that missing link that I searched my entire life for, and every agrument we have reminds me of how much I need him in my life.

I used to always ask why if there is a God, and he's so powerful, why does he make life so difficult.  I guess I realized that it's not just to make us stronger, but to remind us that without those battles we wouldn't be able to enjoy the things that make life worth it.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."  - Maureen Hawkins