How Do You Deal with a Loss, When You Knew this Day May Come?

Not long after I posted my last post, we found out that I am preggers!  Guess waiting until June wasn't going to happen.  We're very excited.  The baby's due date is my nephew's birthday, December 15,  but due to the policies at my OB I have to have C-section since I had one with Ri.  Because of this, the baby is looking to be born on December 8... my daughters birthday.  We're working with my doctor to attempt to get the C-Section on December 13, but as of right now she doesn't seem enthused. 

AJ and I are doing... okay.  Some days better than others.  We were hoping that the cruise we went to at the end of May would really give our marriage the boost that it needed, however, it really didn't seem to have the effects that we were looking for.  Welcome to marriage. 

I recently found out an old friend passed away.  My emotions have been up and down in regards to our friendship as the funeral nears.  I got a message from a mutal friend stating that he had over dosed.  For whatever reason, I refused to accept that he may be dead and explained to the mutal friend what needed to be done to get him help as I had it in my head he was in the hospital and would be out shortly.  Immediately I got a message:  "Jenni... he's dead."  I felt my body go numb, then hot, then tingling.  A range of emotions hit me like a wall of bricks.  I hated him and became so angry at him for dying.  I felt immense guilt because maybe I could have done something.  I felt utter saddness because a long time friend passed away.  But mostly, all I wanted to do was to punch him in his face.  Now, I know, you're not supposed to think ill of the dead... but that doesn't change how I was feeling at the time.

I had  decided to end my friendship with this person for two reasons: 1. He had a crazy girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (depended on the day) and 2.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to help him out of his addiction.  Years after our friendship ended, I became a drug and alcohol counselor and I never forgot how much I was hoping that he could turn his life around.  Upon his passing, I'd known him for 9 years.  I remember the last time I talked to him... it was four years ago.  I was at the bar with my friends.  He called me, freaking out that he thought he was overdosing and was going to just kill himself.  As I tried to get a location of where he was so I could help him, his crazy girlfriend/ex-girlfriend got on the phone telling me she'd kick my ass if I came and that I needed to lose his number and not be calling him anymore.  I remember telling him I couldn't do this anymore.  And that was it.  That was the last time I talked to him.  I remember the night in every way like it was yesterday.  I remember the emotions that ran through my body.  I still feel the numbness of my friend telling me he wanted to kill himself. 

My friend and I had a crazy friendship.  We always had these wierd feelings for each other that were easily turned off for any reason.  But through everything that he put me through, I always promised him I'd be there for him.  We'd go a few months without talking, then suddenly we'd be like best friends again.  But that's how I was with him, we were always up and down... usually because he'd drop me like an old habit if he got a girlfriend.  But none of that ever mattered because he was a friend, and I cared about him. 

When I ended our friendship, I always had this thought that he would turn his life around.  And if not... well, I accepted that the next time I saw him would probably be his funeral.  I became a drug and alcohol counselor because I wanted to save others, since clearly I was unable to save my friend.  Every once in awhile I would hear rumors that he was doing really well... and then I'd hear how bad he was doing again.  It always hurt when I heard he was doing poorly again, but I forced myself to stay out of the situation.  Looking back, seeing as how all this has turned out, maybe I should have done more.  Maybe I could have done more.  In the end, he was the one who put the needle in his arm. 

And to answer my question - how do you deal with the loss of someone when you knew this day may someday come?  The same as any other death.  You grieve.  You mourn.  You cannot prepare yourself for someones death, no matter how bitter the friendship may have ended.  You cannot prepare yourself for someones death, even when you've accepted that their addiction may eventually lead down a dark path.

Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me.  One good thing, I'll have a lot of friends around to lean on, and them on me.  I just hope that now he is able to find whatever he was looking for, but couldn't find here on earth.  RIP Dear Friend.


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”