Pregnant, cranky toddler, and super annoying husband.  Some days it gets hard to figure out why I'm doing all of this.  Why did I want so badly to be a mother and a wife.  I fought so hard for these titles, and now that I have them, some days I look in the mirror and contemplate whether I have the balls enough to jump out of the car and start running in the opposite direction.

And then reality smacks me in the face and says "MOMMA!  Mok!"  Another deep breath, another pep talk to myself.  When I was pregnant with Ri I continually told myself "This kid is going to make me or break me."  Most days, I was pretty sure that she was going to break me, and honestly, I think it's still highly possible.

So I started thinking about when she cries.  I hate when she cries.  It aggravates the living shit out of me.  But she'll wrap her little arms around my neck and nuzzle her head just beneath my chin, while I calmly rub her back.  Could it be that for those few seconds, the half hour of whining and crying was all worth it?

Or the fight I had with AJ this week over spilled soda.  He walked out on me because we both over reacted - NOW I am able to see it this way.  What I realized a few hours later, is that no matter how much we fight, no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much I want to hate him or him me... I could never leave him.  I could never live without him.  He is that missing link that I searched my entire life for, and every agrument we have reminds me of how much I need him in my life.

I used to always ask why if there is a God, and he's so powerful, why does he make life so difficult.  I guess I realized that it's not just to make us stronger, but to remind us that without those battles we wouldn't be able to enjoy the things that make life worth it.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."  - Maureen Hawkins

How Do You Deal with a Loss, When You Knew this Day May Come?

Not long after I posted my last post, we found out that I am preggers!  Guess waiting until June wasn't going to happen.  We're very excited.  The baby's due date is my nephew's birthday, December 15,  but due to the policies at my OB I have to have C-section since I had one with Ri.  Because of this, the baby is looking to be born on December 8... my daughters birthday.  We're working with my doctor to attempt to get the C-Section on December 13, but as of right now she doesn't seem enthused. 

AJ and I are doing... okay.  Some days better than others.  We were hoping that the cruise we went to at the end of May would really give our marriage the boost that it needed, however, it really didn't seem to have the effects that we were looking for.  Welcome to marriage. 

I recently found out an old friend passed away.  My emotions have been up and down in regards to our friendship as the funeral nears.  I got a message from a mutal friend stating that he had over dosed.  For whatever reason, I refused to accept that he may be dead and explained to the mutal friend what needed to be done to get him help as I had it in my head he was in the hospital and would be out shortly.  Immediately I got a message:  "Jenni... he's dead."  I felt my body go numb, then hot, then tingling.  A range of emotions hit me like a wall of bricks.  I hated him and became so angry at him for dying.  I felt immense guilt because maybe I could have done something.  I felt utter saddness because a long time friend passed away.  But mostly, all I wanted to do was to punch him in his face.  Now, I know, you're not supposed to think ill of the dead... but that doesn't change how I was feeling at the time.

I had  decided to end my friendship with this person for two reasons: 1. He had a crazy girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (depended on the day) and 2.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to help him out of his addiction.  Years after our friendship ended, I became a drug and alcohol counselor and I never forgot how much I was hoping that he could turn his life around.  Upon his passing, I'd known him for 9 years.  I remember the last time I talked to him... it was four years ago.  I was at the bar with my friends.  He called me, freaking out that he thought he was overdosing and was going to just kill himself.  As I tried to get a location of where he was so I could help him, his crazy girlfriend/ex-girlfriend got on the phone telling me she'd kick my ass if I came and that I needed to lose his number and not be calling him anymore.  I remember telling him I couldn't do this anymore.  And that was it.  That was the last time I talked to him.  I remember the night in every way like it was yesterday.  I remember the emotions that ran through my body.  I still feel the numbness of my friend telling me he wanted to kill himself. 

My friend and I had a crazy friendship.  We always had these wierd feelings for each other that were easily turned off for any reason.  But through everything that he put me through, I always promised him I'd be there for him.  We'd go a few months without talking, then suddenly we'd be like best friends again.  But that's how I was with him, we were always up and down... usually because he'd drop me like an old habit if he got a girlfriend.  But none of that ever mattered because he was a friend, and I cared about him. 

When I ended our friendship, I always had this thought that he would turn his life around.  And if not... well, I accepted that the next time I saw him would probably be his funeral.  I became a drug and alcohol counselor because I wanted to save others, since clearly I was unable to save my friend.  Every once in awhile I would hear rumors that he was doing really well... and then I'd hear how bad he was doing again.  It always hurt when I heard he was doing poorly again, but I forced myself to stay out of the situation.  Looking back, seeing as how all this has turned out, maybe I should have done more.  Maybe I could have done more.  In the end, he was the one who put the needle in his arm. 

And to answer my question - how do you deal with the loss of someone when you knew this day may someday come?  The same as any other death.  You grieve.  You mourn.  You cannot prepare yourself for someones death, no matter how bitter the friendship may have ended.  You cannot prepare yourself for someones death, even when you've accepted that their addiction may eventually lead down a dark path.

Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me.  One good thing, I'll have a lot of friends around to lean on, and them on me.  I just hope that now he is able to find whatever he was looking for, but couldn't find here on earth.  RIP Dear Friend.


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Cloth Diaper Giveaway from Cloth Diaper Geek!

I'm usually not a huge fan of posting giveaways on my blog, however, these are soo adorable, I couldn't resist!  These cloth diapers are from Go Green Pocket Diapers.  They are absolutely awesome.  I think they just made me become a cloth diaper mama when #2 gets here!

Here's the Giveaway! :

http://clothdiapergeek.blogspot.com/2011/03/giveaway-and-review-of-gogreen-champ.html#comment-form

Seriously, check it out. 


PS-> WE'RE GOING TO BE TRYING FOR #2 in JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell Me I Can't Do It, I'll Prove You Wrong

Everything great I did in my life, was because someone told me I couldn't. I was told I would never make a good mother, I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job. I was told I would never amount to anything, I graduated college with honors and landed a full time job as an Addiction Counselor. I was told I'd never stop partying, I prefer snuggling with my baby (in fact, if I do go out, I don't even know what to do or how to act anymore). I always told myself I would never be happy, my family is the best reason for my happiness.  Proving people wrong gives me the greatest joy.  It makes me feel alive when I can prove to people that something they believe about me or life is wrong.  Not for the sake of proving someone wrong, but for the simple fact of showing that there is more to me than my past.  Just because I haven't always made the right decisions in my past does not mean that I cannot move past that.

Working in the Addiction field, I have realized that I cannot have that mentality.  When my clients fail, I feel like I fail.  I feel as though, when everyone told me that this client couldn't make it, I had to prove they could.  But when they fail, it is as if I failed.  I know I cannot think like this, but it's hard.  I want to prove to people that they are not just addicts that there is so much more to them.  But at some point, I have to realize that my client's succcess' or failures are not because of me, but because of their own strengths and desires.  I guess I've just watched too many of my friends and family get so wrapped up in their addictions, with some of them losing their lives to the battle, that I just don't want to see anyone else lose everything to.  It's the nature of the illness.  If it's not taken care of, it will kill you. 

I have so many clients that feel as though they have been abandoned.  I don't want to be just another person to let them down.  This is what I have the hardest part overcoming.  I want to prove my clients wrong and my co-workers wrong.  But that's not how this works.  That's not how addiction works.  I think this has been my wake up call that the addiction field is not one I should be trying to conquer.  Maybe management is a better fit for me.  I can't save everyone, and I want to.  Maybe it is time to move on and try something new.

I am just greatful that all the times I have managed to prove everyone wrong, has been a great motivator for me to make something better for myself.  I've been pushed down all my life, and fighting back with amazing resilence has given me great pride in all that I do.  So keep 'em coming.  Keep telling me I can't do something because one day, I'll prove to you that I can.  I'll prove to you how strong I am.  And I'll be okay, if I don't.  But I will try like hell with a desire and passion that you have never seen.

"The biggest mistake people make in life isnot trying to make a living at doing what they most enjoy."  -Malcolm Forbes

The Lovely Aroma of Vomit

Tuesday night I get a phone text from the babysitter telling me Ri had been throwing up.  I know AJ should already have picked her up, so I quickly dial his number.  "She's been throwing up since she came home.  I'm holding her.  It's the only thing keeping her from freaking out."  Thoughts run through my mind, 'get home.  Somehow, make this hour drive shorter!'  Ten minutes into my hour drive home, my heart starts pounding.  There is a sickening feeling in my stomach.  It is a terrifying drive home as I know I am an hour away from my poor sick baby and there is nothing I can do for her.  I am well aware that she is in safe hands, AJ is home with her.  But that doesn't distract this feeling that is yanking at my heart and twisting it apart.  'Stupid job.  Stupid drive home!'  The last ten minutes home were the worst.  I see the familiar lights, the familiar signs.  Usually at this point in my drive, I am relieved to be so close to home.  On this night, it seems so far.

I get home, and Ri quickly jumps into my arms.  A calm sets in.  My sick baby is in my arms and her mommy is going to make it better.  We sleep on the floor in the living room that night.  Maybe more so for my anxiety than fear of anything happening to the baby, but my mom always babied me when I was a child, and I plan on doing the same to my little one.  Every cough, every moan, every strange noise jolts me from a sound sleep to ensure that she is not choking on her vomit.  I wake up as AJ is leaving for work.  Our original plan was that since my first two clients of the day had cancelled, I'd go in late to work and AJ would come home early to care for our sick little one.  He sees how exhausted I am, and doesn't question that I plan on staying home with Ri in the morning. 

Cleaning up puke, changing runny diapers and dealing with the crankiness was all worth the short cuddling time I got to spend with Ri.  She slept in my arms most of the day, and despite the circumstances, it was such a wonderful feeling.  Well... it was... until about 3 in the afternoon when the stomach flu hit me.  Within an hour, I was calling AJ begging him to come home and care for his two sick girls.  Being the amazing husband and father he is, he came home, sent me to bed, and cared for Ri.  Eventually, by the end of the night I made my way back downstairs and helped him as his level of patience is only a quarter fraction of what mine had become. 

Thursday was much of the same.  Ri and Mommy cuddled on the couch, sipping clear liquids and taking naps together.  It may not have been the ideal situation, but spending two days snuggling on the couch with my little baby girl renewed my feelings of why I always wanted to be a mommy.  Listening to her breathe softly on my chest, snoring so loud at times it would jerk me from my slumber, put me at a peace I haven't felt in a long time.  Two days filled of vomit filled garbage bags, couches and carpets of a terrible odor that will take weeks to get out, and lots and lots of crankiness were two of the greatest days of my Mommy Life.  As I sit here typing this, I'm laughing.  I can still smell the horrid smell in my living room, but I'm strangely okay with it.  It reminds me of the time I got to spend cuddling with my busy busy child. 

It's funny how the strangest things can make you happy.  In a few days, I won't remember the hell this flu put Ri and me through, but I will always remember the closeness it gave us.  I am happy to report that by today, Friday, we are both flu free and doing much better.  And actually, taking two days off of work, I've noticed Ri has developed skills we'd been working on for months.  Makes me think about things. . . but that's for another day.

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they their own."  - Aristotle

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted.  I took my last two blog entries and really began to apply them to my life.  I began to move on and find peace for myself. 

I finally finished college.  I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a Counseling Psychology degree.  I started working as a Drug and Alcohol Counselor.  It has it's down sides every once in awhile, but it makes me feel amazing to know that out of all the people I see daily, every once in awhile, I do make a difference.

I can't believe how much my little one has grown in the past year.  She started walking at 8.5 months, we took away her binky at 9 months, and she's been bottle free since 10 months.  She's now a holy terror.  Getting into everything.  Nothing tops the couple of days where she was so facinated with taking food out of the trash can and eating it.  I think the topper to this was she was refusing to eat anything else given to her at the time.  I love walking hand in hand with her, it makes me remember why I wanted to be a Mommy so bad (especially when she gives me plenty of reasons for why I never wanted to be a mommy, hee hee).  There are so many moments where I just sit back and realize that she's mine.  AJ and I created her.  She is by far the greatest thing in my life.

AJ and I have attempted to buy a home in the last few months.  However, with the insanity that seems to be our lives, we have opted to wait another year or two.  The plus side of this is if we wait, we should be able to save enough that we could build our own!  That'd be super exciting!  Our relationship has been rocky here and there a few times, however, since he started working day shift it has become so much better.  His relationship with Ri alone has become so much better. 

It's funny that as soon as you let grudges go, forgive your past, allow yourself to heal, and give yourself time to breathe everything seems to be better.  It's all about taking the baby steps.  The baby steps are hard to take at first, slowing your life down never seems to be a possibility.  But when you begin to slow down, you look back on all the good things that have come from all the negatives and it makes your life just that much more brighter.

"There is nothing in a catepiller that tells you it is going to be a butterfly."  -  R. Buckminster Fuller

Strength... I have it.

Since I have decided it's time to forgive my past, I have been working really hard on rewriting the book that is my life.  So far, I think I've been doing fairly well.  I have talked a little more calmer towards AJ, I have a little more patience with Ri, and I smile just a little more.

I really am glad that I have the strength to do this.  I am even more glad that I give others the strength to make the necessary changes in their lives.  Strength is definitely contagious.  We pass it back and forth, giving each other support that only a few can give.

I've been given so much strength and support in the last few weeks.  I don't know how much AJ actually thinks is going to change, but he knows that I am working hard on correcting my faults, accepting my imperfections, and understanding that there is a point in time when you have to let go.

Just want to say Thank You. 

"When I let go of what I am, I become who I might be."  -Lao Tzu